Twelve years, for what?

Yesterday we officially closed our store. Today is the first day of the rest of our lives, with no clue as to what we're going to do now! Thankfully it looks like we may have avoided Bankruptcy by the skin our teeth and co-operation on behalf of the bank...at least they won't be taking our house....but the biggest problem is finding some income! I will be collecting one of the small Government pensions that you are able to claim before age 65, but the rest of the pension will not be paid till next October when I turn 65! On top of that my husband, who is four years younger than me, will not be able to claim full pension till age 65, and no other pension if he continues to battle the Government on a claim for Disability Pension! He's been turned down twice for Disability, and now it goes to Tribunal in February 2009. IF he gets it, at least the payments will be retro-active to the first time he applied, so we could potentially end up with a decent lump sum, then he will get monthly payments, but we're not holding our breath or counting on this! Thank God for an understanding family who are willing to help us out for a while, otherwise we would have to try and sell this house just to get some money in the bank for food and other living expenses! We have some small savings and a small RRSP (Registered Retirment Plan) but don't want to have to touch them yet. Once you start doing that the money doesn't last long! In the current economic climate we would be very lucky to sell our house at all, never mind that we would have to take a loss on it! There are so many houses up for sale in our area that we would have a hard time selling. Despite all this, I do feel a sort of relief....a gradual letting go. We have devoted the last twelve years to our store. Our whole life has revolved around it. I feel as if I know every blade of grass, every inch and bump of road, and know all the signs and posters along the route from our house to Tecumseh Mall where our store was. It will feel strange not to hear Richard picking up the phone every night (when he wasn't at the store) and asking how the day was, what the sales were, etc. etc. I'm sure he's going to miss his daily routine of going to the Bank, chatting with the customer service girls, picking up a coffee and taking it back to the store. We are going to miss Betty and Kelly, our two devoted employees. Betty especially after almost ten years with us, is more like family, and I think I worry about her even more than I worry about us! Most of all we will miss a lot of our regular customers. Many of them have been coming into our store since the day we opened. We know about their families, shared in their joys, and sorrows, and talked for endless hours about various health problems. We have had customers come back to specifically thank us for helping them.....they are the customers we valued. On the other hand I won't miss the customers who took us for granted, expected us to give them as many discounts as possible, and have the nerve to ask for more! People who would spend a lot of time asking us for help, pouring out their troubles, we would give them loads of written material for them to read, free magazines etc etc, only to have them tell us that they bought the products at our competition who had NOT spent the time giving out information! These people I will not miss! So, onwards and upwards......God I hope it is upwards! My brother-in-law has mentioned the possibility of getting me a job at the place where he works (he' s the Financial Controller), but it wouldn't be till sometime in the early Spring. That's okay, I could do with a Winter off! With some help from family we will make it through, but I have to ask myself......where in hell did the past twelve years go to? What was it all for? We have come out worse than we were going in to this! We moved to a city I don't even like to open the store. Why is it in hindsight I can see exactly...in all clarity....what we should have done instead?! What was the reasons? I know I shouldn't be dwelling on these questions, it does no good, but I can't help it. Somehow I have to find a way of just letting it all go. I don't know if I can do that. I have an enormous amount of guilt hanging around me that I just can't shake. It will take time, but right now it just feels awful. I'm at an age when everyone I know around me, friends, family etc who are of the same age are in a much better place, financially and physically. Why is it I have such a hard time accepting the things I cannot change? It will come....I hope.