Christmas Eve's past and present

Christmas always makes me nostalgic and brings mixed emotions with it. I have many happy and warm memories of childhood Christmases, and some lukewarm memories of adult Christmasses! As a child growing up in England my Mother tried her best to give me a good Christmas on the limited funds she had....but it's not the memories of gifts that have stayed with me, but of the days and events around the holiday that left deep impressions. Christmas Eve was always spent at home, just the two of us. I remember coming home from school and seeing the buses lined up on our street waiting to transport happy families going to see the Pantomime at the Theatre Royal in Newcastle (our major city). The groups going that night would be from the local 'Working Men's Club', a social club located across the road from our house. Members of the club with their wives and children all excited to be going to see 'live' theatre.....and of course Pantomime was/is a big thing in British entertainment traditions. Sometimes I would feel a twinge of envy that they were going on Christmas Eve, but I also knew that within a few days I would be going to the same performance with my Mother, my Aunt and cousin....so I still had that to look forward to! On Christmas Eve we would sit and listen to music. Play records by Mother's favourites, Frank Sinatra, Bing Crosby etc, and always Christmas music of course! My personal favourite was Jimmy Durante singing 'Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer'. We would then listen to Carols on the radio and start preparing Santa's plate of goodies......homemade mincemeat pies and a glass of Sherry! Then it was time for me to go to bed. Stockings were hung above the fireplace. I used one of my own knee high stockings. Miraculously it would be hanging at the foot of the bed when I woke up the next morning! Strange that I always had to be woken up on Christmas morning! I have never been a morning person....even as a child! All my gifts would be around the bed, and Mother would sit on the bed watching me unwrap them all. I wonder if she ever knew or suspected that I had found her hiding place for the gifts?! Always behind the huge wardrobe in the bedroom where there was just enough space for a thin person to squish in.....and there they would be piled, already wrapped of course! Christmas Day Dinner was spent at my favourite Aunt's with my cousins, after first visiting Grandparents, and then it was off to family friend's for Tea Time.....sandwiches, cakes and assorted goodies, more gifts, then the adults would go to the local pub for a few hours, leaving us kids (me and the friend's three sons) with the Grandmother who lived with them. Boxing Day (day after Christmas) always meant an evening at the movies (or "Pictures" as they are known in the UK) and once again it was with my Aunt and cousins. This was the same pattern for years, barely changing even as I moved into the teenage years and the only change became me going out with friends on Boxing Day! There were one or two not so happy Christmas's growing up. I was in hospital for two of them, but the nurses and staff tried to make it as happy as possible, so even though I wasn't at home with family, I was with a lot of other kids as it was a children's hospital. After coming to Canada there have been many changes in patterns to my Christmas, before getting married, since being married, and again as we moved house and locations several times! For the past twelve years it has become our custom to go to a Christmas Eve party held at the parents home of my sister-in-law, then Christmas Day at my brother and sister-in-law's house. I enjoy it all once I get there and into the warmth and jollity of it all, and especially watching the kids open their gifts......but deep inside me just wishes I was home, in front of a fire listening to Christmas music and the child within me is up at the window watching the excited families piling into the buses to transport them to the Pantomime, knowing that in a few days I will be going to the same Panto!

Disability claims, why do they make it so hard?

It really doesn't look good for my husband and his Disability claim and it's so bloody frustrating! The Tribunal hearing for him to try and protest their past two decisions on turning him down is at the end of January 2009 (I thought it was Feb, but I was wrong) and we have all the paperwork in place, plus his Athritis Specialist is writing another report after seeing him this past Monday. We are also waiting for a letter from the Surgeon who did his hip replacement in July. I phoned his office yesterday to remind them to send it, and they promised to do so. We were actually quite hopeful. Then today a Puralator delivery came....a huge sealed envelope. Inside was a formal letter from the office of the Disability Claims which was a copy of report sent to the people who will be at the Tribunal hearing. A three page detailed letter outlining my husband's claim from the first time he sent in the forms....March 2005. Details of why they turned him down twice already, and further details as to why they think the Tribunal should refuse him! We both just read it and looked at each other speechless! Then we both got mad and vented....mostly at the letter....as if that was going to help matters! No Doctor from the Government Disability Claims office has even seen my husband.....how the hell do they make judgements on just words on a piece of paper?! I've personally talked to people in our store who are receiving Disability Pension and they're in better shape than Richard!!!! All this is because he made the mistake of telling them that he was working a few hours a week in the store. Apparently that was a big mistake.....even if you can only work one or two hours a week, they deem it that you are capable of working and therefore do not qualify for the disability pension!!! It doesn't matter if you have to work some hours because you're self-employed.....these people sit at their desks and shuffle paper and decide you can work a few hours....that's good enough....without even seeing the person!!!! We're paying our taxes to pay their wages to get brushed off like this?? We would be better treated if we were deliberately going out of our way to cheat the Government, and tell them a bunch of lies! It seems that in today's society that's the only way to get their attention and/or sympathy! Anyway he is still going to the Tribunal and he will make damned sure that he hobbles in to the room using his cane and whatever else it takes to look pathetic in their eyes......if that's the way we have to play their game then so be it!

Twelve years, for what?

Yesterday we officially closed our store. Today is the first day of the rest of our lives, with no clue as to what we're going to do now! Thankfully it looks like we may have avoided Bankruptcy by the skin our teeth and co-operation on behalf of the bank...at least they won't be taking our house....but the biggest problem is finding some income! I will be collecting one of the small Government pensions that you are able to claim before age 65, but the rest of the pension will not be paid till next October when I turn 65! On top of that my husband, who is four years younger than me, will not be able to claim full pension till age 65, and no other pension if he continues to battle the Government on a claim for Disability Pension! He's been turned down twice for Disability, and now it goes to Tribunal in February 2009. IF he gets it, at least the payments will be retro-active to the first time he applied, so we could potentially end up with a decent lump sum, then he will get monthly payments, but we're not holding our breath or counting on this! Thank God for an understanding family who are willing to help us out for a while, otherwise we would have to try and sell this house just to get some money in the bank for food and other living expenses! We have some small savings and a small RRSP (Registered Retirment Plan) but don't want to have to touch them yet. Once you start doing that the money doesn't last long! In the current economic climate we would be very lucky to sell our house at all, never mind that we would have to take a loss on it! There are so many houses up for sale in our area that we would have a hard time selling. Despite all this, I do feel a sort of relief....a gradual letting go. We have devoted the last twelve years to our store. Our whole life has revolved around it. I feel as if I know every blade of grass, every inch and bump of road, and know all the signs and posters along the route from our house to Tecumseh Mall where our store was. It will feel strange not to hear Richard picking up the phone every night (when he wasn't at the store) and asking how the day was, what the sales were, etc. etc. I'm sure he's going to miss his daily routine of going to the Bank, chatting with the customer service girls, picking up a coffee and taking it back to the store. We are going to miss Betty and Kelly, our two devoted employees. Betty especially after almost ten years with us, is more like family, and I think I worry about her even more than I worry about us! Most of all we will miss a lot of our regular customers. Many of them have been coming into our store since the day we opened. We know about their families, shared in their joys, and sorrows, and talked for endless hours about various health problems. We have had customers come back to specifically thank us for helping them.....they are the customers we valued. On the other hand I won't miss the customers who took us for granted, expected us to give them as many discounts as possible, and have the nerve to ask for more! People who would spend a lot of time asking us for help, pouring out their troubles, we would give them loads of written material for them to read, free magazines etc etc, only to have them tell us that they bought the products at our competition who had NOT spent the time giving out information! These people I will not miss! So, onwards and upwards......God I hope it is upwards! My brother-in-law has mentioned the possibility of getting me a job at the place where he works (he' s the Financial Controller), but it wouldn't be till sometime in the early Spring. That's okay, I could do with a Winter off! With some help from family we will make it through, but I have to ask myself......where in hell did the past twelve years go to? What was it all for? We have come out worse than we were going in to this! We moved to a city I don't even like to open the store. Why is it in hindsight I can see exactly...in all clarity....what we should have done instead?! What was the reasons? I know I shouldn't be dwelling on these questions, it does no good, but I can't help it. Somehow I have to find a way of just letting it all go. I don't know if I can do that. I have an enormous amount of guilt hanging around me that I just can't shake. It will take time, but right now it just feels awful. I'm at an age when everyone I know around me, friends, family etc who are of the same age are in a much better place, financially and physically. Why is it I have such a hard time accepting the things I cannot change? It will come....I hope.